My favourite way to start a mental health conversation

Sep 28 / Written By Daniel McCullough

With RUOK? DAY just gone and Mental Health Week coming up in October, I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on the reasons why at times, we may be hesitant to begin a mental health conversation or check in with someone we care about. I think the timidness people feel, stems from a lack of knowledge and confidence. Hopefully this article can create some awareness and provide you with some tips and tools, which I hope will give you that little bit of extra confidence and encouragement you need to go for it and take the plunge in having that chat.

Picture this scenario, there is a person you care about, it could be a friend, a partner, a colleague, or family member, and you have been noticing some changes in their behaviour.

Maybe they haven’t been returning your texts or haven’t had their camera on lately during your virtual work team meetings. You have a hunch that something is not ok, and really want to help as you’re concerned about them, but you feel like you have no idea what to say or how to even start that discussion.

Maybe there’s some fear involved as well and that little voice pops up in your head saying “What if I say the wrong thing?”, “What if they open up and tell me they are struggling; how do I even respond?” or “where do we even go for help if they are struggling?”.

Does this resonate a little with you? If it does, that’s totally understandable and you’re not alone. Those feelings and fears are completely normal.

To help you overcome that initial hesitancy, I want to share with you how I go about starting a conversation. I learnt this conversation starter through a footy teammate of mine, and now it’s the number one way I begin my conversations when I’m checking in on someone.

It’s called “out of 10”. Whenever I want to check in on someone to see how they are going, I say “How are you feeling lately out of 10?” or “give me a number out of 10, for how you have been feeling lately” or “how was your day out of 10?”.

Do you know why it’s my favourite? Because guess what my response is every single time after they answer…. Yep! You guessed it! It’s WHY? For example, Why do you sit at a 3? Why are you a 9 out of 10? What happened today that made your day a 2?

When you ask these follow up questions, it gives the person an opportunity to talk, and it’s very difficult for them to give a one- or two-word reply. You are also giving them space to say what’s on their mind while you do the most powerful thing you can, which is listen.

This little beauty is now my favourite way to check in on my partner and housemate every night at the dinner table. The reason I love it so much is because it’s hard to give a one- or two-word answer, such as “I’m fine” or “I’m alright” or the classic “not bad”. It allows me to dig a little deeper, find out more about what happened during their day that made it a good or bad day. I can also keep a tab on how they are feeling over time. If they have consistently said they have been feeling like a two or a three, I can make a note to have a bit more of a chat next time we are on a walk or whenever it’s a good time where I feel they might be more willing to open up.

So tonight, at dinner, or on your next walk with your partner, kids or even your bubble buddy, whip this little pearler out and give it a go. It may just be the thing that gives you the confidence to check in on the people you care about, and to keep doing it!